I think about how being obsessed with being skinny is really superficial all the time. I wonder how it is that I can wake up everyday regretting that I am not magically skinny today, and at the same time feel shame that this image-based insecurity can dominate my confidence so.
When you are a great person, helpful, kind, all those things, people don’t bother with whether you are skinny or not. People will love you just the same. And being fat doesn’t make your good deeds any less valuable; being fat is irrelevant to the good you can do for society and the people you care for. SO I should be obsessed with being a great person. In a way the skinny obsession is a transference of that.
The skinny obsession for me is precisely about feeling guilt over being a privileged consumer. I am fat because I can afford to be. Poor people can be fat too, I’m not saying they can’t, but I still associate being fat with being spoilt somehow- its a bad impression thats stuck. Not just that, but I am fat because I don’t deal with my emotions properly. Being fat is like wearing a big sign saying ‘I am depressed’. When I see fat people thats what I think- those people just aren’t coping. Either that or they don’t know any better, which I don’t like people thinking about me either. But I don’t want to wear my sadness on my sleeve like that every day. I want to get on with my day and not feel like everyone can see my coping method. Especially since its a bad one. I guess the skinny obsession is about wanting to protect myself from showing weakness, wanting to function and contribute to society without the world immediately being able to tell what my weakness is. Being fat makes me hide away from society, which makes the eating worse. Its a vicious cycle, and to move past it I need to summon enough courage just to make it through the first stages.